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Was his objection to your financial decision worthwhile? Did it make sense?
Understanding there is a lot he doesn't know or understand about your situation, if it was otherwise worthwhile you might want to slant your reply accordingly.
IMHO, my choice was the absolute best choice that I could make with the money that I had to spend. It replaced something that was old and had broken so it was not like I was wasting money on a frivolous purchase or buying a new toy.
I think that it hit me so hard because my son makes snarky comments so very rarely that it really, really hurt me very badly. And, there is really no one that I can share the comment with who will help me feel better about it.
Last edited by germaine2626; 09-19-2016 at 03:47 PM..
Without knowing what your financial decision was, it is hard to say if he was way out of line. Or perhaps his point of view may have been valid, but the delivery was out of line. His apology indicates he regretted his words.
I think that you should ask him to come visit by himself for a week because you need his advice. It is easy for anyone to second guess from a great distance. He needs a front row seat to what goes on daily at your home. Until he is immersed, he will not have knowledge first hand of what you contend with.
As far as financial second guessing, unless he is contributing he should be offering nothing but positive helpful suppportive advice.
Without knowing what your financial decision was, it is hard to say if he was way out of line. Or perhaps his point of view may have been valid, but the delivery was out of line. His apology indicates he regretted his words.
I think that you should ask him to come visit by himself for a week because you need his advice. It is easy for anyone to second guess from a great distance. He needs a front row seat to what goes on daily at your home. Until he is immersed, he will not have knowledge first hand of what you contend with.
As far as financial second guessing, unless he is contributing he should be offering nothing but positive helpful suppportive advice.
I have been wondering if I should ask my son to visit to spent time with us and also that he could stay with his father for a few days so I could visit my sister who lives about seven hours away from me. Unfortunately we are stuck. My husband can not travel that far with me (our only trip after his TBI, of 3 to 4 hours was a disaster) and her husband is in much, much worse cognitive & physical shape than my husband. My BIL is turning 84 and is in very poor health so it is almost impossible for my sister to travel as he can't be left alone either.
I had planned to make the trip to visit my sister before DD left but then hubby got pneumonia and was in the hospital for almost a week and we ran out of time.
I have been wondering if I should ask my son to visit to spent time with us and also that he could stay with his father for a few days so I could visit my sister who lives about seven hours away from me. Unfortunately we are stuck. My husband can not travel that far with me (our only trip after his TBI, of 3 to 4 hours was a disaster) and her husband is in much, much worse cognitive & physical shape than my husband. My BIL is turning 84 and is in very poor health so it is almost impossible for my sister to travel as he can't be left alone either.
I had planned to make the trip to visit my sister before DD left but then hubby got pneumonia and was in the hospital for almost a week and we ran out of time.
Someone asked that if my son might "get an attitude" if he came home to spend time with his father and me and then I left to spend a day or two with my sister. I suppose that is possibility. I would, of course, tell him in advance of my plans and it would be a way that he could help do his fair share.
His sister quit her jobs (heck, she had two jobs one full time & one part time), left her friends, left her volunteer leadership roles and left a city that she loved to help provide caregiving for her father for two years. She never found a decent job in our city so she couldn't pay her bills, did not have any friends or social life, had to start at the bottom in any organization that she joined, and basically hated every second of living here, except for spending time with me.
What her brother do? He spent one week, yes, only one week helping downsize the condo (no hands-on caregiving) and he thinks that he & his sister gave me/us an "equal amount of help". Hmmm, one week is not the same as one hundred and four weeks. Luckily he is not a math major.
It's still your money to spend, not his....you're not dead yet. None of his business, unless you are relying on him for support, and it appears you are not. From what I've gathered, there is not even a chance of you having to rely on him for financial support in the future.
It seems he may have developed some sort of attitude from being around his wealthy in-laws?
It's still your money to spend, not his....you're not dead yet. None of his business, unless you are relying on him for support, and it appears you are not. From what I've gathered, there is not even a chance of you having to rely on him for financial support in the future.
It seems he may have developed some sort of attitude from being around his wealthy in-laws?
His change in attitude did happen about the same time that he got married but it may or not be related.
This sense of entitlement & selfishment is so odd and out of character for him that it is really shocking. In the past he would be the type to do large favors for others (strangers & friends) and keep quiet about it so that know one knew his good deeds.
It is hurtful when he clearly ignores the carefully selected $20 to $30 birthday gift that we gave our grandchild and implies that it is not good enough. I suppose that compared to a $200 toy and stock options/bonds/whatever, plus money in the college account, and all the free babysitting that he got from his wife's parents it does not seem like much. But it is all we can give. That is so very out of character for him.
I visited them over a year ago (before my husband's fall but while DD was home to watch him). I was there a week. Somehow the new birthday present that I gave my grandson on the first day ended up in the "going to be donated to Goodwill bag" before I left. Hmmm.
Germaine,
I just wept reading this. Your son has absolutely no clue. Just no clue. That Ivory Tower world is a horror of it's own, perhaps he is caught up in it in a family way vs the scientific way... Been there, done that. He does not understand caregiving and all the sacrifices required, especially the financial ones. He needs to come and give you respite then he will have a bit of a clue. Especially if a surprise expense comes along.
I think that it hit me so hard because my son makes snarky comments so very rarely that it really, really hurt me very badly. And, there is really no one that I can share the comment with who will help me feel better about it.
It could be that your son was in the midst of some difficult situation you didn't know about, and wrote you in the same style he was using to deal with whoever else he was dealing with. Then later he realized his mistake and apologized. I would not get your brother involved and especially don't share a private Email to you. You were hurt by your son's message. Tell him that, then let it go. Only if it becomes a pattern do something more
It is hurtful when he clearly ignores the carefully selected $20 to $30 birthday gift that we gave our grandchild and implies that it is not good enough. I suppose that compared to a $200 toy and stock options/bonds/whatever, plus money in the college account, and all the free babysitting that he got from his wife's parents it does not seem like much. But it is all we can give. That is so very out of character for him.
I visited them over a year ago (before my husband's fall but while DD was home to watch him). I was there a week. Somehow the new birthday present that I gave my grandson on the first day ended up in the "going to be donated to Goodwill bag" before I left. Hmmm.
This makes my blood boil.
Regarding his comments about your financial decision -- It seems to me that he is displaying a sort of displaced anger at the fact that his sister left to pursue her dream and in the process left you with HER financial debt. So this is the way he is lashing out about it.
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