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KOA I think what she was saying is not that you may be able to change the trajectory she is on but the poster was saying you can change your behavior - which isn't getting you or your mother anywhere. Even look at your title tired of fighting. You can't fight it, her dementia is going to get worse and it is not going to get better. There is nothing you can fight. Just do things with her that she likes to do and chit chat about nothing important. Just be there.
I am saying this with my mother who has dementia and is now in a SNF and playing with baby dolls. it was an effort for me but I do treasure the memories of being with her on her terms as she slid downward
I wish it could be otherwise
Well, this makes sense.
I've had a difficult relationship with my mother. Frankly, she's always been a gnarly, ornery, confrontational, suspicious, combative person. Sad, but true. But she's also struggled with mental illness (before it was cool - just kidding but only sort of) and it was never treated. In spite of the mental illness and her inner turmoil, she always tried to be a good mother and she WAS a good mother in some ways.
But it hasn't been her mothering that I've particularly admired - I wish I could say it was but it's not. What I've admired about her has been her eloquence, her elegance, her panache, her artistic flair, and her industrious nature. She has always been a very productive person artistically - her home, her artwork, her poetry, her fashion style - all that has always been done with style and grace. She painted beautifully in oils. Her home has always been decorated in understated elegance.
I am working through my sorrow at seeing this woman leave. The woman who is here now is someone I barely recognize, to be honest. The dementia and stroke and odd mental quirks really have played a number on her, robbing her of her looks, her artistic abilities, her clean and orderly home, her sense of good taste and what's appropriate and what's not - it's sad to see her so chaotic and so unaware of how she's dressed or whether or not she's even clean.
But there is something that's actually positive about this and it's that, unexpectedly, she has become quite childlike. At first this really bothered me - irritated me in fact - because I didn't want or recognize this childish person. But now I see that for the first time in my life - the very first time - I am seeing my mother's soft underbelly, the child she was before she was so neglected and abused and unloved. My god, I can't reject her now - she was already rejected and unloved as a child once, I can't do that to her again.
I need to tell my dad that. I think it will resonate with him. He has a chance to be tender with a woman who has been very prickly and inhibited and restrained her entire life. Now she has a childish love for stuffed animals and dolls and little toys and she lights up over little things. For instance, my dad surprised her with a pair of inexpensive, but dangly and fun earrings yesterday and she was THRILLED with them. She immediately put them on and went on and on about them. Well, that's not her "normal" response, but now we are seeing a more childish enthusiasm in her. That's a touching and unexpected blessing!
I'm just realizing this as I type it out. Wow, it's making me start to cry. Instead of being irritated by her childishness, I need to jump at the chance to show her love and kindness that she missed out on as a child.
I'm just so sick of thinking about it all - I'm sick of groups, books, meetings, doctor appointments, researching, etc. And yet there's no escaping the fact that my mother is in a serious decline and that things are likely to get a lot worse before they get better...
...but it does mean that I have to have this on my mind and as a priority for an unforeseeable amount of time - and then my dad will be next.
This. I have gone through the past 15 years of my life with my mother's Alzheimer's progression -- living it, studying it, crying, fighting (with family members), fearing every time the phone rings, and in the back of my mind I know that eventually my dad is going to be frail and need more care. Not to mention my mother in law as well.
This. I have gone through the past 15 years of my life with my mother's Alzheimer's progression -- living it, studying it, crying, fighting (with family members), fearing every time the phone rings, and in the back of my mind I know that eventually my dad is going to be frail and need more care. Not to mention my mother in law as well.
I don't expect you to know this, but we just went through three horrible years of Alzheimers and other issues with my mother in law and father in law. Both eventually died - my MIL actually died of Alzheimers - within a few months of each other last year. Believe me, I've been to support groups and read books - OMG - till I am sick to death of thinking about elderly bodies, lab work, tests, doctors appointments, UTIs, Depends, bed alarms, the ordeal of a shower, watching elderly people hold food in their mouths for hours, you name it. I am just so tired of all of it.
Of course, when it's my own mother, I am not able to be as detached! And I can't just say, "Mom, Dad - I'm tired of dealing with all this. You'll just have to wait."
I'm not saying I can't learn anything or don't need to continue to educate myself or trouble shoot. What I AM saying is that I seriously doubt if much I do will change the trajectory my mom is on. I think I was just so overwhelmed with taking care of my in laws and their tragic situation (no good plan for ANYTHING and subsequent legal battles with some horrible family members - ugh), that I was putting off acknowledging that my own mother was on the same path, just a few years behind them.
I'm just so sick of thinking about it all - I'm sick of groups, books, meetings, doctor appointments, researching, etc. And yet there's no escaping the fact that my mother is in a serious decline and that things are likely to get a lot worse before they get better. That doesn't mean I can't do some things to help the situation, and to help her have more enjoyment in life - but it does mean that I have to have this on my mind and as a priority for an unforeseeable amount of time - and then my dad will be next. And then probably my husband, who is a few years older than me and not in as robust health as I am. My gosh. It's a huge burden. I want to do the right thing and yet I am tired of living a reactive rather than proactive life.
And yet, it's life - and it's my mom, and my dad, and my family. There's no honorable way around that.
Elderly at the stage you described should be taken care of by professionals. You dont have the tools to do it. It's time to establish her in a home to get the care she wants and needs. This is also "the honorable way".
So if we manipulate her into eating more, getting more physically healthy and yet we're constantly arguing with her or cajoling her, and meanwhile, her mind is slipping down the rabbit hole - what have we really gained for her in the end? A couple of more years of fog and confusion? A heart attack for my dad? A few more years of misery for both of them?
It's so sad. My heart is heavy.
This is the crux of it, isn't it?
Vascular dementia with its short-term memory loss and gradually losing decades of memories means that at some point not only will she not know who you and your dad are, she won't know who she is.
It is a frightening, disorienting, lonely way to live.
Forget all the logical conversations about how she has to eat if she doesn't want to to die and enjoy the time you have left with her. Sing the hymns and songs she loves with her because conversations that make sense will gradually be impossible.
My mom and I watched America's Funniest Home Videos. She'd throw her head back and laugh as men were smacked smartly with piñata sticks. We must have watched Mrs. Doubtfire a hundred times, probably two hundred times. "He's a man," she'd shout out each time Robin Williams pulled his mask off at the dinner table. She loved that movie.
There is a joy and gentleness with dementia that is sometimes hard to find. But you have to let go of the arguing and cajoling to get there.
Kathryn, does she take vitamins? Can't recall if you have mentioned that, but if she doesn't take any you may want to ask her doctor or a nutritionist what she should take. My Mom liked Instant Breakfast more than Ensure, and when it came to the Ensure she liked the "juice type" drinks better than the thicker ones.
Another tactic you might try would be to ask her if there is anything she is hungry for that you could get for her or make for her -- for example, she may have a recipe that she has not made in some time that she might like you to make for her. Or maybe there is something she used to really like when she was a child but has not eaten as an adult and would like to have as a "comfort food" while she continues to recuperate from the surgery. Etc.
My own Mom had abdominal surgery at age 87 to put in a stent for an aortic aneurysm. We noticed immediate changes in her, one being that although she was physically capable of doing the exercises afterward -- and in fact prided herself on her physical abilities, since she'd been a graduate of Penn State with a degree in Physical Education -- she seemed to have no interest in doing those exercises. She was also more emotional, and more forgetful, and something was just "off". Over time, which took really about a year, she gradually began to act more like herself. We figured out that she didn't think she would survive that surgery and in some way didn't know how to make sense of the fact she was still here.
She went on to live almost 10 more years, I was her caregiver, and over that time period we hit at least 2 "spells" during which she would barely eat anything at all, or drink anything much either. She would just say she was not hungry for more than she'd eaten. At one point I estimated she was taking in about 200 calories a day, and I shouted at her that she was committing suicide and making me be a part of it because I fixed the food and then had to sit there and watch her not eat, not drink. I feel ashamed for shouting that at her, but it somehow sank in and she perked up and began to eat better, gained some weight back, and things improved for a good while. Then for whatever reason, we went through it again.
After the second time of eating barely anything for a couple of weeks, she perked up and her appetite was decent (considering her age) until the last week or so before she passed.
Also -- and I don't know your meal plan situation, but just in case -- Mom was better with 2 meals a day than 3, and did some snacking between breakfast and dinner. She took breakfast as "brunch" in the late morning and had dinner around 6 - 7 PM. In her case, she didn't have appetite for 3 meals, and I never tried to push that.
I hope something above may help or give you some ideas. My heart goes out to you and your Mom and Dad.
Elderly at the stage you described should be taken care of by professionals. You dont have the tools to do it. It's time to establish her in a home to get the care she wants and needs. This is also "the honorable way".
My dad and I don't agree that my mom is at the point where she needs to be "put in a home." She is able to dress and bathe herself. She is able to go to the toilet by herself. She doesn't do unsafe things with the stove or tools or anything like that. She is ambulatory on her own (using only a cane). She doesn't get lost or wander off. She enjoys being at home in her own routine. She enjoys daily trips to the store or church or the doctor or whatever with my dad. She enjoys having company in her own home.
When some of those things change, we may consider placing her in a home but I feel that's still a long way off.
I'm very familiar with ALFs and memory care facilities - quality ones and ones that aren't so great. She's not at that point yet in my opinion and in that of my dad, regardless of the level and quality of care.
Meanwhile, my mom IS being cared for by professionals, just not in an ALF. She has at least one doctor's appointment per week, several outpatient PT appointments per week, and her care team includes a GP, a psychiatrist, a neurologist, an opthamologist, and a team of physical therapists. My dad just sent in a request to their GP for a referral to a geriatric specialist and a nutritionist as well.
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 04-05-2016 at 06:43 AM..
Vascular dementia with its short-term memory loss and gradually losing decades of memories means that at some point not only will she not know who you and your dad are, she won't know who she is.
It is a frightening, disorienting, lonely way to live.
Forget all the logical conversations about how she has to eat if she doesn't want to to die and enjoy the time you have left with her. Sing the hymns and songs she loves with her because conversations that make sense will gradually be impossible.
My mom and I watched America's Funniest Home Videos. She'd throw her head back and laugh as men were smacked smartly with piñata sticks. We must have watched Mrs. Doubtfire a hundred times, probably two hundred times. "He's a man," she'd shout out each time Robin Williams pulled his mask off at the dinner table. She loved that movie.
There is a joy and gentleness with dementia that is sometimes hard to find. But you have to let go of the arguing and cajoling to get there.
My heart goes out to you.
Thank you!
I had this exact conversation with my dad last night. We discussed how there is something vulnerable and childlike about my formerly aloof and very constrained and dignified mother, and that while this is unfamiliar to us, it's not "not" her - it IS her, just a side of her we haven't seen before. And it's not an unpleasant or dangerous side either - it's just a different aspect of her personality. In many ways it is a gift and we can choose to treat it that way, or continue to be aghast at it and "want the other person back." That other person isn't coming back, but we have a chance to be tender with her, which has never been in the works before.
It should be interesting. I'm really looking forward to this new chapter now that we've given up the fight, so to speak.
Kathryn, does she take vitamins? Can't recall if you have mentioned that, but if she doesn't take any you may want to ask her doctor or a nutritionist what she should take. My Mom liked Instant Breakfast more than Ensure, and when it came to the Ensure she liked the "juice type" drinks better than the thicker ones.
Another tactic you might try would be to ask her if there is anything she is hungry for that you could get for her or make for her -- for example, she may have a recipe that she has not made in some time that she might like you to make for her. Or maybe there is something she used to really like when she was a child but has not eaten as an adult and would like to have as a "comfort food" while she continues to recuperate from the surgery. Etc.
My own Mom had abdominal surgery at age 87 to put in a stent for an aortic aneurysm. We noticed immediate changes in her, one being that although she was physically capable of doing the exercises afterward -- and in fact prided herself on her physical abilities, since she'd been a graduate of Penn State with a degree in Physical Education -- she seemed to have no interest in doing those exercises. She was also more emotional, and more forgetful, and something was just "off". Over time, which took really about a year, she gradually began to act more like herself. We figured out that she didn't think she would survive that surgery and in some way didn't know how to make sense of the fact she was still here.
She went on to live almost 10 more years, I was her caregiver, and over that time period we hit at least 2 "spells" during which she would barely eat anything at all, or drink anything much either. She would just say she was not hungry for more than she'd eaten. At one point I estimated she was taking in about 200 calories a day, and I shouted at her that she was committing suicide and making me be a part of it because I fixed the food and then had to sit there and watch her not eat, not drink. I feel ashamed for shouting that at her, but it somehow sank in and she perked up and began to eat better, gained some weight back, and things improved for a good while. Then for whatever reason, we went through it again.
After the second time of eating barely anything for a couple of weeks, she perked up and her appetite was decent (considering her age) until the last week or so before she passed.
Also -- and I don't know your meal plan situation, but just in case -- Mom was better with 2 meals a day than 3, and did some snacking between breakfast and dinner. She took breakfast as "brunch" in the late morning and had dinner around 6 - 7 PM. In her case, she didn't have appetite for 3 meals, and I never tried to push that.
I hope something above may help or give you some ideas. My heart goes out to you and your Mom and Dad.
Thank you and yes, those are some good ideas.
She does take vitamins but only because my dad stands over her watching her take them - and she pretends to gag when she takes them too. This from a woman who has always been a huge advocate of taking a handful of vitamins every morning (till the last few years anyway)! And forcing her kids to do the same! Karma karma.
It's good to know your mom came out of that funk - maybe mine will too. I hadn't thought about her possible surprise at even surviving the broken hip.
I think my mom is taking in about 600 calories a day tops. And she's always had a very high metabolism, often eating probably 2000 or more calories a day and burning it off as quickly as she ate it (she has always been tall with a trim figure). So this is a huge change for her. I just got pictures on FB that I took one year ago and the difference is striking, and not in a good way.
My own Mom had abdominal surgery at age 87 to put in a stent for an aortic aneurysm. We noticed immediate changes in her, one being that although she was physically capable of doing the exercises afterward -- and in fact prided herself on her physical abilities, since she'd been a graduate of Penn State with a degree in Physical Education -- she seemed to have no interest in doing those exercises. She was also more emotional, and more forgetful, and something was just "off". Over time, which took really about a year, she gradually began to act more like herself. We figured out that she didn't think she would survive that surgery and in some way didn't know how to make sense of the fact she was still here.
.
I wanted to mention my ex husb's wife, a Director at an Ivy League university hospital (also RN/MSN) told me that even the anesthesia "takes about a year to get out of their system" for an older person - when my mother had a bypass and came out of it "wierd" just like that.
It was likely just the after effects from surgery.
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This from a woman who has always been a huge advocate of taking a handful of vitamins every morning (till the last few years anyway)! And forcing her kids to do the same! Karma karma.
