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I need some advice/reflection on the situation we have with my husband's brother, wife and adopted son - currently almost 14 (in a few weeks).
What would you say about an adopted son with the following behaviors:
Starting almost immediately after coming to their family (two years ago), he began acting out sexually against my SIL. (We are just learning this information BTW). In the first incident, she fell asleep beside him in his bed reading to him. She woke up to his hand down her pants and he was touching her. He "appeared" to be asleep.
Second - she was laying/sitting/something again on the bed with him and he kept hugging her and asking her to stay. He would hug her tightly, then roll over, then return for another hug. She finally realized he was masturbating when he turned away from her.
Third - He's been caught trying to take pictures of her under the door to the bathroom.
Fourth - Most recently, she found her underwear in the dirty clothes with "non female stains". He clearly had stolen them and masturbated into them.
In general, she said he has a way of kissing her on the cheek or near the mouth that seemed inappropriate. I think this was early on as well. The whole time line is a little sketchy for me.
She claims that each time she has spoken to him about these behaviors, he has stopped. Personally, I see it as replacing it with a new, different behavior.
In addition to the above, his aggressive behavior has steadily increased. He has struggled in school and I believe is behind. A few months ago he got into a fight at school and was more or less arrested. It was basically dismissed since he is already in therapy.
He has "run away" multiple times and recently claimed to be running away to the school resource officer which resulted in the police being called and finding him (down the block) and bringing him home.
There have been tremendous fight in the house with punched walls, screaming and such. SIL and Allan don't get along at all although she loves him almost desperately. I find some of her behavior to be down right cruel. For instance, on Mother's Day at our house, he cut a rose off our bush (with permission), carefully removed the thorns and presented it to her. She looked at it and said, "You should take that over to your grandma". She had already declared she wanted no acknowledgement of MD (because things were so bad) and spent the day with her mother and family instead of with her son.
Most recently he was essentially suspended from school - except it was the last week of school and they were told to just "take him out" for the last week - to avoid the suspension I think.
He is in therapy but is very non-compliant. My understanding is he doesn't say much. He "refuses" to go to family therapy which is, as far as I can tell, intermentant and only in crisis mode. Usually just my SIL goes. They have had some parental therapy, but it's not every week. In other words, there's no real weekly therapy for SIL and BIL for parenting issues, skills, etc. There is virtually no discipline, consequences, or structure. Basically, Allan is running the show. BIL and SIL are parenting out of fear 0 and have been since day one.
BTW, I am the only person (and my husband) who knows about the sexual assault (other than the therapist). They have kept this all secret and closed up for two years.
Add to the mix: we have 7 year old twin girls who adore Allan. He seems to adore them too and loves playing with them. Since the beginning, we have kept them supervised (at our insistence and by us - they have never suggested it or really helped follow them around). We have been the ones to put a stop to any wrestling on the floor, tacking, etc. When BIL planned a weekend away for a night for SIL and asked if Allan could stay with us, we have a safety plan that involved me sleeping in the girls room. They never suggested anything. This was all before we knew anything about him sexually acting out.
We have just decided that for now, Allan is not allowed to be around our girls. We feel that trying to explain that they can't hug him or climb on him is too confusing for them and there is no real way to keep them completely safe if he is allowed to pick them up and hold them (which he does often). He clearly has some boundary issues.
We also take issue with the lack of judgement BIL and SIL have shown towards our own children. There's also other weird stuff - like they let him sleep on a mattress in their room (until very recently). They also appear to have absolutely no insight into what is happening in their own home. They keep telling us it's not as bad as we think it is. They don't seem to understand at all why we have concerns. They are only concerned with "protecting" Allan and making sure no one thinks badly of him.
After expressing some of our concerns and telling them Allan can't see the girls, they appear to be incredibly pissed at us and I don't think they are speaking to us.
Did we over react - or are they so deep in denial they can't see straight. If you have any experience with this, what do you think they should do with Allan now (I don't mean give him back). How can they help him?
One more question...they got him at 11/almost 12 years old. It's been two years. Is it weird that he still calls them Ms. SIL and Mr. BIL (first names). He calls the grandparents by Grandpa, etc., but not his mom and dad. Is that unusual? I'm just curious.
Thanks for any insight - especially from any counselors, therapist or other adoptive parents.
I need some advice/reflection on the situation we have with my husband's brother, wife and adopted son - currently almost 14 (in a few weeks).
What would you say about an adopted son with the following behaviors:
Starting almost immediately after coming to their family (two years ago), he began acting out sexually against my SIL. (We are just learning this information BTW). In the first incident, she fell asleep beside him in his bed reading to him. She woke up to his hand down her pants and he was touching her. He "appeared" to be asleep.
Second - she was laying/sitting/something again on the bed with him and he kept hugging her and asking her to stay. He would hug her tightly, then roll over, then return for another hug. She finally realized he was masturbating when he turned away from her.
Third - He's been caught trying to take pictures of her under the door to the bathroom.
Fourth - Most recently, she found her underwear in the dirty clothes with "non female stains". He clearly had stolen them and masturbated into them.
In general, she said he has a way of kissing her on the cheek or near the mouth that seemed inappropriate. I think this was early on as well. The whole time line is a little sketchy for me.
She claims that each time she has spoken to him about these behaviors, he has stopped. Personally, I see it as replacing it with a new, different behavior.
In addition to the above, his aggressive behavior has steadily increased. He has struggled in school and I believe is behind. A few months ago he got into a fight at school and was more or less arrested. It was basically dismissed since he is already in therapy.
He has "run away" multiple times and recently claimed to be running away to the school resource officer which resulted in the police being called and finding him (down the block) and bringing him home.
There have been tremendous fight in the house with punched walls, screaming and such. SIL and Allan don't get along at all although she loves him almost desperately. I find some of her behavior to be down right cruel. For instance, on Mother's Day at our house, he cut a rose off our bush (with permission), carefully removed the thorns and presented it to her. She looked at it and said, "You should take that over to your grandma". She had already declared she wanted no acknowledgement of MD (because things were so bad) and spent the day with her mother and family instead of with her son.
Most recently he was essentially suspended from school - except it was the last week of school and they were told to just "take him out" for the last week - to avoid the suspension I think.
He is in therapy but is very non-compliant. My understanding is he doesn't say much. He "refuses" to go to family therapy which is, as far as I can tell, intermentant and only in crisis mode. Usually just my SIL goes. They have had some parental therapy, but it's not every week. In other words, there's no real weekly therapy for SIL and BIL for parenting issues, skills, etc. There is virtually no discipline, consequences, or structure. Basically, Allan is running the show. BIL and SIL are parenting out of fear 0 and have been since day one.
BTW, I am the only person (and my husband) who knows about the sexual assault (other than the therapist). They have kept this all secret and closed up for two years.
Add to the mix: we have 7 year old twin girls who adore Allan. He seems to adore them too and loves playing with them. Since the beginning, we have kept them supervised (at our insistence and by us - they have never suggested it or really helped follow them around). We have been the ones to put a stop to any wrestling on the floor, tacking, etc. When BIL planned a weekend away for a night for SIL and asked if Allan could stay with us, we have a safety plan that involved me sleeping in the girls room. They never suggested anything. This was all before we knew anything about him sexually acting out.
We have just decided that for now, Allan is not allowed to be around our girls. We feel that trying to explain that they can't hug him or climb on him is too confusing for them and there is no real way to keep them completely safe if he is allowed to pick them up and hold them (which he does often). He clearly has some boundary issues.
We also take issue with the lack of judgement BIL and SIL have shown towards our own children. There's also other weird stuff - like they let him sleep on a mattress in their room (until very recently). They also appear to have absolutely no insight into what is happening in their own home. They keep telling us it's not as bad as we think it is. They don't seem to understand at all why we have concerns. They are only concerned with "protecting" Allan and making sure no one thinks badly of him.
After expressing some of our concerns and telling them Allan can't see the girls, they appear to be incredibly pissed at us and I don't think they are speaking to us.
Did we over react - or are they so deep in denial they can't see straight. If you have any experience with this, what do you think they should do with Allan now (I don't mean give him back). How can they help him?
One more question...they got him at 11/almost 12 years old. It's been two years. Is it weird that he still calls them Ms. SIL and Mr. BIL (first names). He calls the grandparents by Grandpa, etc., but not his mom and dad. Is that unusual? I'm just curious.
Thanks for any insight - especially from any counselors, therapist or other adoptive parents.
No, you did not over-react and, yes, they are so buried in denial that they are ignoring the obvious. Frankly I would not want Allan to ever be around my daughters, me, or any adult woman who is not capable of immediately stopping him from raping & hurting her (keep in mind he may use a knife or other weapon as coercion). IMHO, it is only a matter of time before his adoptive mother, you, his adoptive cousins, a neighbor, a classmate or a stranger is attacked by him.
Your SIL & BIL may be trying to "protect" Allan but they are not protecting themselves, their family or the community fromhim.
This is a very serious matter. As a special education teacher I have had some experience with teens/children like this (but, no one even close to this severe) and IMHO the situation will only get worse unless there is immediate and substantial help for your adoptive nephew, such as placement in a residential treatment facility (probably for at least six months, if not longer). A facility that treats severe emotional disorders as well as violent and sexual acting out would be ideal. Their therapist could help them find the best placement (it may be difficult to find and probably extremely expensive). If his parents were totally honest with the school system about his complete range of problems it may be possible for them to assist in making a placement in a state or public facility (possibly at no cost to them).
But, from what you told us about the major denial of his adoptive parents the "residential treatment facility" that your nephew will probably attend will be a prison after he has committed a serious crime.
Good luck to you.
PS. My gut feeling is that he calls his adoptive parents, Ms. Jane & Mr. John because he does not view them as "parents" but as meal tickets or objects. It will make it easier for him to rape or hurt them in the future. I certainly do not believe that calling your adoptive parents by their first names always means that, but IMHO that is why Allan does it.
Even a crazy, psychopath/sociopath may have second thoughts about masturbating in his mother's bed & underwear and putting his hand inside his mother's underpants and touching her, but could easily do it to a random, inconsequential woman named "Ms. Jane".
Last edited by germaine2626; 06-16-2014 at 06:37 AM..
This is really a heartbreaking story. I'm sure your BIL and SIL had a vision of a happy family with this boy. It's turned out to be anything but that. It's also hard to read of an 11/12, and now 14 year year old, boy acting out in a sexually inappropriate way. Very often the behaviors you describe are the result of being sexually abused. His behaviors can be caused by other things, but it screams sexual abuse to me. BTW--sexual abuse doesn't have to mean someone physically abused him in a sexual manner. There are non-touching ways to sexually abuse a child.
That said I imagine a child that is adopted at age 11 has had some other trauma in his life that could explain his behaviors.
The boy and his parents have a long road ahead of them and need more help via therapy or support groups, etc. I hope they wake up and realize that loving a child and parenting a child are not always the same thing. Parenting is much harder especially under these circumstances. They all need more professional help than they are receiving now.
You needed to protect your own children in the way you saw to be the best. That has to be your priority. It was the right thing to do.
I agree with the others. I, too, would not let this boy into my home or let him play with my daughters. Emotionally healthy 14 year old boys do not want to play with seven year old girls in a physical
way.
Your SIL& BIL have a couple of screws loose in their heads. After the first disasterous event of being on the bed with the kid, why was your SIL on the bed with him again ? Why in the world is a 14 year old sleeping in their room with them. They are establishing no boundaries. Your SIL in particular is really blurring the lines a parent-child relationship.
Unfortunately, that family needs more help than it is getting.The best you can do is watch the oncoming train wreck from a distance. I get the impression that they will not get the help they need (deep in denial). Protect your own family and keep away from the kid.
If I did those things as a teenage boy, I would expect to be SLAPPED ON THE FACE by the girl!
Or have the girl start SCREAMING at the top of her lungs.
Girls/women have built-in "equipment" which is quite handy for dealing with naughty boys/men (hand and mouth)!
Keep in mind that this is his adoptive mother that he is sexual abusing/trying to experiment with. According to the OP, his mother is just telling him "No" and he moves on to a different sexual behavior with her (his mother).
Billy, what would your mother have done if you had touched her private areas or masturbated on her underwear or you were caught trying to take photographs of her in the bathroom ?
This is very sad. I was almost raped as a teen by a guy who was later arrested for raping someone. I definitely think some males have this propensity, whether sexually abused or not, sometimes this stuff is inborn
I definitely think you need to protect your daughters, hurt feelings or not.
Even for normal kids, being adopted by new parents at 12 would be very difficult, let alone one with serious psychological issues. I wonder how many families he was been with.
Even for normal kids, being adopted by new parents at 12 would be very difficult, let alone one with serious psychological issues. I wonder how many families he was been with.
This. Through no fault of his own, this boy needs help. I hope his parents find it for him.
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